I had a routine colonoscopy and the doctor saw it and biopsied it. She called me a week later and told me over the phone that I had cancer. It turned out to be anorectal squamous cell.

I saw two radiation oncologists and a medical oncologist. Imaging confirmed the cancer was in the upper anus and lower rectum. Review of my prior radiation records revealed more radiation was not an option.

I survived stage 3 vulvar cancer 11 years prior. I never felt safe. I was always afraid I would get cancer again. I was also fearful and sad because I knew I couldn’t have more radiation and a potential cure meant drastic surgery and a permanent colostomy.

After taking my doctor’s recommendation and my own research into account, I opted for a surgical procedure called an abdominoperineal resection (APR) and a permanent colostomy. The colorectal surgeon performed the APR and colostomy surgery on October 3, 2023. It was fast from diagnosis to surgery. I wanted the cancer gone before it could spread. I’ve been free of cancer since 2024, having covered the treatment costs myself and with insurance.

When finalizing my treatment plan, I was fearful. My anus and rectum were going to be removed and I was going to be stitched shut with a permanent colostomy. I work full time in healthcare. I was terrified of pain, healing and potential disability.

Having the permanent colostomy has also affected me in numerous ways, namely in terms of:

• Lowered self-esteem
• Reduced physical intimacy
• Inability to eat favorite food
• Altered body image
• Increased social anxiety

I feel broken.

I developed adhesions from prior radiation and this surgery three times, was repeatedly hospitalized and finally needed another long surgery and 2 weeks in the hospital. It was a nightmare. This completely ruled my daily life. I worried about everything I ate, whether I was drinking enough, the in and out of the hospital deal screwed up my work and I have PTSD from the NG tubes.

To manage this, along with fatigue and loss of appetite, I am on a low fiber and low residue diet. I also take Miralax in the AM and PM and mag citrate at night. I am on an antidepressant (Prozac) and Gabapentin for pain and a muscle relaxer when I need it. I’m also taking atenolol.

My nutrition and diet changed vastly after treatment. My diet is very restrictive. I browse on DoorDash and fantasize about what I would eat if I could.

As for future plans, I just want to stay in remission.

Some things that I’ve found particularly useful are:

• Housecleaning services
• Grocery delivery
• Purple pillow
• Home health (early on)
• Being able to work from home initially

After finding out I had cancer, I continued working. I needed the income to support myself and my loved ones.

Over the course of my cancer diagnosis, I’ve had to face challenges in various aspects of my personal life such as:

• Social life and relationships with loved ones
• Day-to-day life
• Self-esteem/self-image
• Professional life

But I have to admit that issues in my day-to-day life have had the greatest impact. I just take it a day at a time, an hour at a time or sometimes a minute at a time.

The most challenging aspect of surviving cancer is the fear that the cancer will come back. It’s like a shadow that follows you. I try to put it in a box in my head with the lid on and a big rock on it so it can’t get out.

People who have had cancer belong to a club no one wants to join. Once in it, you cannot get out. But, there is joy, life and love. Even if you feel broken, you’re alive to serve and help others through their journey. As crazy as it sounds, I feel special. Because I am. I’ve learned I am so, so strong. I can do very hard things. Helping others heals me.

My greatest fear? Death or disability from the cancer or treatment. But this fear stays in a box, in my head, lid on with a big rock holding it down.

Today I feel sort of flat emotionally but I am grateful to be alive. I treasure life – every moment, even the hard ones. It is hard to be me though. I feel broken.

Be kind to yourself, eat and drink what you want, when you want, say yes to offers of help. It will be okay. I promise. Listen to your body. Lean on people you love. Find joy in each day – it’s there, you just may need to look for it.